John has submiited a poem and requested feedback and suggestions. Hopefully, he will comment in and let us know exactly what he is dissatisfied with. He welcomes all criticism.
STARLIGHT MINTS
I remember the day Grandmother gasped
and dropped the bowl of Starlight Mints.
The Big Bang of my youth produced
a linoleum galaxy of glass
and candy, red and white whirls
in wondrous cellophane
stranded between glistening shards.
“Be careful, don’t touch that,”
she bitterly cautioned as my hand
reached for the nearest
pigtailed pinwheel of crystallized
sugar. I couldn’t help myself,
I didn’t fear the rasorial edge
of hen pecked tales. Not all
glass cuts, not all light blinds.
Touting confidence in the diaphanous
wrapper, I unwound one end,
making sure every crinkle
transmitted clearly to Grandmother’s ear.
“I’m warning you…” the magnitude
of her words diminishing in
the sweet sensation of my tongue
against the Starlight Mint.
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7 comments:
Ohhh, how I loved this poem...
(ties into my monomania re:sugar! As my mother,while well meaning, forbade any form of sugar in our house--seeing candy dishes at friends' houses..mmm I can relate to men who have trouble ordering wings from a Hooters waitress while trying to look into her eyes)
John!
"I didn’t fear the rasorial edge
of hen pecked tales." delightful!
******
I wonder if the word "sweet" diminishes the consuming power of this last verse:
“I’m warning you…” the magnitude
of her words diminishing in
the sweet sensation of my tongue
against the Starlight Mint.
(though I don't know what sensual compliment it would be....)
........I loved it!!!
and this better frickin' POST!
~kate..*crinkle*crinkle*crinkle :)
Kate,
Thank you. You are right. Although "sweet" is an easy alliteration, it adds nothing that isn't expected, or it even, perhaps, confuses the confusion.
To answer Gaby's question: I wonder,
is it fair to throw out "grandmother gasped?" without
giving primary level rationale?
Should I change "sweet" to
"forbidden?"
Hello Guys,
John...maybe-something like this:
"Haram" is the source of the English word "harem," but it is first and foremost a religious term meaning "forbidden."
I can't help liking that for some reason...I just love this poem and truly enjoy every single contribution. Someday I'll have the "guts" to write...:)
none the less, I'm printing all the poems out and studying them..
I agree - I like the sound of "diminishing in sensation on my tongue". A little less wordy. Thoughts?
Not all
glass cuts, not all light blinds.
This is wonderful imagery-
I see this "Told you so" attitude in the kids pottery class all the time-If it doesn't happen right when you say it COULD happen then it never WILL happen--until the pot breaks, the paint spills...
Forbidden sounds better-as your youth "shattered" you are testing what else you dare do in life.
John,
I wouldn't change a thing. I like the beginning. A first line that leads you into a mystery is always a great way to start off.
And this part is my favorite,
Touting confidence in the diaphanous
wrapper, I unwound one end,
making sure every crinkle
transmitted clearly to Grandmother’s ear.
How defiant and wonderfully rebellious.
And I wouldn't change or remove the word, "sweet." It says it all with simple purity and lends an air of innocense to the act of rebellion.
Marianne
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